Satan’s 2012 New Year’s Resolutions
by L.d. Ablo
2012. It’s here, and I’m ready.
Did you know, my servants, that already today, the first day of 2012, thousands of lost souls have piled in through my main gates for permanent abode here in Hell? Many were surprised, claiming they were “good” during their life.
Ha ha ha ha ha.
Good gets you here. God gets you there.
Ha ha ha ha ha.
But even as we line ‘em up down here, I must not ever let up. My work never ends; I must oppose God at every opportunity, and cause as many people as possible to ignore his love. So here are 10 New Year’s Resolutions for 2012:
1. First, of course, is to kill, steal and destroy at every opportunity. This is a standing resolution, as it is my main task on earth. I must do so by deception and trickery, causing men and women on earth to believe my way is better than the way of life, and life more abundantly. This is easy, because it seems men wish to be deceived, believing lies from my servants, including those who are recognized by men as “religious.” Men love to have their ears tickled, and I am Tickler One. Most of my resolutions below flow from this overarching task of mine.
2. Redouble my efforts at blinding the minds of unbelievers. Unbelievers are my captives. As long as they are blinded to the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God, I am able to keep them captive. These captives often live lives of exceptional piousnicity. Many are upstanding citizens. But all are blind to the gospel, and in 2012 I intend to keep them that way. This year I will utilize web-based technologies to reach more people with confusing messages about “religion” and “spirituality.” I will use social media to make messages of “universal salvation” go viral. I will provide platforms to “clergy” to preach a different gospel, a gospel in which all paths lead to God, and all we need is tolerance and understanding. Yes, I must make that one a priority, as it seems to get real traction these days.
3. I will continue to advance the philosophy that there are many paths to God. Your way is OK, my way is OK. All religions basically are the same. All religions teach the same basic principles and differ only in non-essential details. Of course, I do this through clever deception because I know that I am the author of all religions except for one, and that one must be lost in a smokescreen of “many paths to God” nonsense. I’m already fairly well down this road, but I will continue to drive this philosophy in 2012…
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