The Atheist Fairy Tale

By S. Michael Houdmann with Jeff Laird

The American Atheists have started using billboards to promote their national convention. The billboard has a picture of a young girl wearing a Santa hat and reads, “Dear Santa, All I want for Christmas is to skip church! I am too old for fairy tales.” This isn’t new. Atheists have been using condescension — often in place of reason — for decades (centuries?). Watching the stream of rocks fly from the glass house, one wonders, how does the atheist fairy tale read?

Once upon a super-super long time ago, there was nothing. Not no-thing-nothing, but we’ll say “nothing” as if it changes what that word has meant for millennia. Whatever it was, or wasn’t, it was definitely not God. Certainly not God. This something-nothing huffed and puffed and blew the universe into existence! Out of not-nothing-but-not-God poofed an entire…something…from a not-nothing nothing. Or was that a something-not…Never mind.


So, the not-God-not-nothing-nothing exploded a universe that was super-perfect for life — like us — to exist. Even the teeniest, tiniest little change would mean no planets, no elements, no us! We’re hoping…we mean, guessing…this was just good luck on the part of the nothing-something-blowing-in-ago-ness, but definitely not on purpose. Certainly not on purpose. Certainly not God. Life is possible only by luck!

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And then, another amazing thing happened. This universe “evolved” which, like “nothing” is a word we’ll use to mean pretty much anything whether it makes any sense or not. Even more amazingly, this change had nothing controlling or guiding it! By, “nothing,” this time, we mean a complex series of consistent, independent, inexplicable and finely tuned rules. So, not nothing-nothing, but more of that something-nothing. You know, I mean, rules-from-nowhere-for-no-reason. Except the rule about things getting less ordered over time…forget that one for now. It all came together to make galaxies and stars and planets. We don’t know why or how, but we know it was definitely not designed. Certainly not designed. Certainly not on purpose. Certainly not God. The not-guided-except-by-something-not-God-stuff self-made itself. Or was not-self-made…not into anything. Something? Never mind.


One little planet was not too far from a star, not too close to a star, but juuuust right so that complicated molecules could jiggle around and become even more complicated molecules and become reproducing organisms. We have no clue how this actually happened, but that doesn’t stop us from being definitely, totally sure it involved absolutely no intelligence or design at all. We have fai— (ahem), confidence…confidence this moment or process or whatever was definitely not creation…


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